Do Parents Play Favorites?

The answer may surprise you.

The reality is, as much as most parents try not to, they often do at one point or another, play favorites. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But how does it happen? Though it is certainly part of Western and especially American culture to attempt to treat children equally and not favor any one child, the research has shown that favoritism is pervasive, as at least 2/3 of participants admitted to having a clear favorite child. Moreover, these patterns of maternal favoritism are often stable, though sometimes shifting over time, especially for fathers. Parents may have different or the same favorites within a family, but often with different intensities and aspects of affection. Some parents will compensate for the others favoritism or lack thereof. Parents generally have different experience with each child across several different relationship dimensions, such as attention, warmth/affection, instrumental and financial support, conflict, quality time, and emotional closeness.

So who is typically doing the favoring? Those in the research who have admitted to having clear favorite tend to more often be White, have a traditional family structure, have a low number of children overall, and an increased number of daughters (i.e., the more girls the higher chance of favoritism). Interestingly, because there is often greater cohesion in Black and Latinx/Hispanic families and sometimes different family structures (e.g., grandparents/cousins living within the home), there may be stronger bonds between siblings and between children and their parents, leading to lower levels of favoritism overall.

And who is most often favored? Well, children’s birth order is one of the most consistent predictors of favoritism. Last born children are often favored by their mothers as adults and have the most emotional closeness. In fact, the order of most likely to least likely to be favored is last born, first born, followed by the middle children. Depending on research, some report that mothers are more likely to favor daughters, while some report generally equal among genders, while fathers tend to favor daughters over sons.

Why are certain children favored? As mentioned above, birth order can play are large role in who is likely to be favored- but why? Children tend to compete for parents’ attention and admiration based upon opportunities inherent in their birth order, trying to create a niche or identity within their family unit. Oldest children are born into a non-competitive situation with uncontested bond with parents, in which they are less concerned about pleasing parents, often identify more with their parents, and are more likely to meet parents’ expectations. Last borns may feel secure in terms of parents attention and affection because they are the only one who did not have to compete with the needs of a younger rival. Moreover, parents may be focused more on bonding with and enjoying their final child rearing experience and are less concerned with achievement and doing things the “right” way. Last-born children are sometimes favored in terms of understanding and empathy, while first-born children are sometimes favored because of social and experiential similarities with mothers. Parents typically have more conflict with first born than later born children and younger siblings tend to receive more affection in adolescence and young adulthood. Mothers who favored middle children reported that this was often the result of feeling needed and/or guilt for not meeting needs when younger (e.g. “middle child syndrome”).

Gender has also been found to be more relevant for early favoritism, as girls may be “easier” to parent in their perception; but personality and similar interests were more important for favoritism later in life. Mothers are reportedly less concerned with academics and accomplishments and “bad behavior” than fathers. Children’s personality/temperament characteristics are quite influential in shaping favoritism, especially for mothers. Individual characteristics of children can encourage certain types of parenting and thus favoritism. Parents tend to favor more agreeable and conscientious children, while more neurotic children elicit less warmth and are harder to comfort. Favoritism can be subjective, especially if different children require different levels of support due to a severe disability (see “glass children”).

Why does any of this matter? What are the actual effects of favoring? Well, as it turns out, children who are less favored often feel rejected by one or both parents, as unfavored children reported feeling their parents were unfair and emotionally distant. Those less favored tend to have reduced self-esteem, more risky behaviors, reduced motivation, and increased emotional dysregulation. Favoritism has also been found to affect interpersonal relationships, ability to support others, and ability/willingness to disclose emotions. More substantial negative effects were observed when there was increased differential treatment from parents (i.e., difference between how the two parents treated the child). Additionally, those who received less support from fathers had higher rates of depression and anxiety. Not surprisingly, favored children tend to perform better academic performance in and less substance use; however, what was unexpected was that some favored children, especially females, reported feeling pressure and discomfort as well as a significantly increased level of responsibility. Perhaps most impactful, perception of favoritism more linked with mental health outcomes than actual favoritism. In terms of the relationships amongst siblings, there was actually minimal agreement between siblings in terms of perceptions of parenting. Additionally, favoritism by parents was more impactful for same-gender siblings, as they tend to strive for parents attention, which reduces autonomy/independence later in life, when in competition with other siblings. Excessive favoritism in a family has negative affects on all siblings, even the favored child. There was increased conflict within families when family members (mostly siblings) disagree about amount and direction of favoritism in family. However, if the sibling understands why another child needs more support or attention, the negative mental health effects dissipate.

So, being aware of all this information, what can you do as parents? Well now that we know how favoritism can affect the child’s opinion of themselves, alter relationships with parents and siblings, and affect academic, social, and emotional functioning, as well as overall mental health, it is a good idea to at least be aware of relationships and supports provided to each individual child, especially if there is one or more children in the home with significantly differing needs and/or levels of independence. If your child seems distant and/or anxious and you notice increased sibling conflict, especially during adolescence, consider asking them if they feeling they are being treated or supported unequally. Try to be mindful of ALL the needs of your children (i.e., academic, interpersonal, financial, emotional, practical, medical etc.) and consider having open communication regarding any child that feels favored or unfavored.