What should I know about dating for my disabled child?

What do I need to know?

When thinking about the prevalence of disability for those of dating age, it may feel like a small minority; however, you may be surprised to learn that approximately 10% of Americans between 15 and 24 experience a disability- that is a large portion of the dating pool. And yet, historically, dating has been an area of distress, exclusion, and self-doubt for those with disabilities. It is well-documented that those with disabilities have increased difficulty finding compatible sexual and romantic partners, which can have negative effects on quality of life, as relationships and intimacy, which are crucial for happiness, health, and longevity. Additionally, intimacy is important for development, and has also been associated with improved health, reduced injuries, and improved mental health. One study found that of those with disabilities between ages 18 and 34, 74% were unmarried compared to 65% without disabilities. Another study found that those for those within the same age group, the marriage rate is 41% for those with disabilities and 52% without disabilities, though I should mention that these rates are further complicated by those with disabilities that do no not want legally marry and risk losing their life-saving benefits. Additionally, many individuals with physical disabilities have intersecting identities (LGBT, gender identity, neurodivergence, racial/ethnic minorities, etc.) and so these individuals may experience cumulative discrimination and fears of safety.

Unfortunately, many of the barriers to enjoyable and successful dating are the result of misconceptions and stereotypes. Many stereotypes are perpetuated by the combination of ableist perceptions and lack of proper sexual education for both disabled individuals, as disabled youth are often excluded from sex education in school. People with disabilities have often struggled to access comprehensive and relevant information regarding sex education/safety, which can result in increased risk of sexual abuse, unplanned pregnancies, STIs, and difficulties understanding or expressing proper consent. Sexuality resources for youth with physical disabilities are often not specific to their disability and don’t support their sexual rights. Parents, educators, and health professionals often feel uncomfortable or unprepared to discuss sex or intimacy, with many trying to avoid or push the issue aside because its uncomfortable or “taboo” or they have fears of safety for their disabled family members, resulting in many learning about sex and nature of relationships via online forums and social media. In the research, many expressed they would prefer to discuss sex, intimacy, and relationships with a trusted professional, like a therapist or psychologist; however, those with this specialty may be niche and hard to find. Some have expressed a desire to learn about healthy exploration/masturbation and genital hygiene care, which may be different for those with physical disabilities (e.g., catheters, physical differences) but do not know where to turn. The ability to communicate consent can look different for those with either physical or cognitive disabilities because of the different ways they may express themselves (rate, sensory, language etc.) but there are many ways today to overcome this through technology, therapies, and in having patience, and both abled and disabled young people should be educated about this. Moreover, difficulties in relationships for those with disabilities can be further complicated by a lack of frequent or typical social endeavors in their latter childhood years.

There is also a significant lack of normalized relationships between those with physical disabilities in the media, which perpetuates stereotypes. In fact, many individuals with disabilities are often victim of stigmatization that portrays them as asexual, infantilized, and unable to lead full and satisfactory sex lives. Many ableist people view those with disabilities as asexual, seen as “children” or “inspirations”- not someone with a sex-drive wanting a relationship. Another challenging experience described is the lack of recognition of the sexual agency of youth with physical disabilities. Parents of those with physical disabilities have expressed fears that their child is sexually vulnerable. Many disabilities reported that others’ perceptions of their disabilities were more exaggerated or severe than was actually the case. In fact, Some with physical disabilities experienced infantalizing or over-exaggeration of limitations (talking slowly or loudly at them, helping with things they don’t need help with, apologizing too much). These misconceptions are damaging both to those with and without disabilities as sexual stigma may affect confidence, desire, and motivation to seek a partner, in combination with socio-cultural barriers.

In terms of the experience of those who have experienced dating as disabled individuals, many have expressed different attitudes regarding their disability, as some feel it is a minor part of their story, while others feel it is an integral part of their identity. There has actually been some disagreement about use of the word “disabled” and whether it is appropriate or offensive, with a growing movement called #saytheword, to help education and provide understanding and acknowledgement. Not surprisingly, adolescents were especially concerned with physical differences within their body, in terms of dating and the fear of being able to translate an online attraction to “real-life.” Additionally, especially for adolescents and young adults, they may internalize societal views regarding people with disabilities, resulting in negative attitudes about self and the ability to date. Some reported that potential dates want to have sex with them just because they are curious and want to understand how things work, and they were seen as an object or science experiment. Some have difficulty trusting others because of abuse or dishonesty in past relationships, which they bring to current dating experiences.

And there are specific challenges to inter-abled relationships as well. Some partners think they can “fix” the disabled person or don’t accept disability as permanent, which can result in potential patronizing by partners. It can be hard when the partner assumes needs or desires of disabled person. Some people are afraid to hug those with disabilities because they are afraid to hurt them or have other fears, which can feel offensive and lonely. Sometimes if one person is more limited than the other, this can result in a “forced” or “accepted” reversal of gender roles. Some make a genuine connection but their partner feels embarrassed or uncomfortable in public or the partner’s family is critical of the relationship. There is also the difficultly of playing the role of both caregiver and intimate partner, which are conflicting roles for someone wanting to feel sexy. Moreover, physical limitations can play a significant role in way in which partners connect with one another and are able to spend time together in person. Sometimes there can be an emotional connection but difficulty connecting physically because of respective physical disabilities. Some struggle with typical forms of intimacy, as they may not be able to hold hands, hug or kiss easily, walk at same pace etc. Some struggle to make it from communicating at home to going out in public for a date and require a partner to be flexible, accommodating, and understanding. And something important to note is that even people with certain disabilities may not want to date others with certain limitations (mobility, communication, vision, mental health etc), which is perfectly reasonable. A large portion expressed feeling most comfortable dating someone with a disability similar to theirs, sometimes depending on the person’s self-acceptance vs self-loathing.

So let’s get into online dating specifically. What are some of the downsides of mainstream dating apps for those with disabilities? Per the research, those with disabilities tend to receive a similar level of interaction/interest on typical sites; however, the motivations of people on the other end may vary. Online dating can even cause a “social fatigue loop” and increased likelihood of rejection sensitivity and internalized frustration/anxiety. Many expressed being “friend-zoned” right away, without any consideration, solely because of physical disability. Some have had to endure messages about whether their “parts” are broken or if they can ever ditch their wheelchair/walker. Many find themselves caught in a bind between concealment and disclosure when first dating, deciding how to be strategic with their presentation, as many feel self-conscious about how much to reveal and don’t want to be pitied or be a poster child for a particular diagnosis. Some elected not to disclose their disability because they wanted to give someone a chance to know them without that part of them and/or to weed out predators, while others disclosed in an effort to avoid ableists and others that may waste their time. Some who did not disclose initially said they had anxiety about “being found out”, as some were rejected immediately upon the other person seeing them in person or finding out another way. For some who did disclose, if they were ultimately rejected, it was hard to know if because of their disability specifically, or some unrelated factor about them. For those with neurodevelopment disorders, online dating can be a bit of a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, some have expressed appreciating the online dating realm, because of its objectively, ability to communicate on your own time without having to read facial expressions, acceptability of bluntness/honesty, and reduced commitment. On the other hand, some express hesitation because of its fast-paced nature (for example, you snooze you lose), unspoken rules, “ghosting”, difficulty translating online conversation to in-person, and pressure to flirt in a particular way. Some also struggle with or do not enjoy “small talk” and prefer to “get to the point”, which can benefit some but potentially offend others As Candice Christiansen explains in her book Love, Sex, and Autism, you have to be “witty, but not weird, honest, but not too honest, and passionate, but not intense.”

On a positive note, technology may be a gateway to access a more diverse and inclusive representation of sexuality and intimacy that may reduce ableist barriers or stigmas, but protective measures are crucial so people aren’t exploited. As 97% of gen alpha and gen z use the internet for dating/relationships in general, disabled datings sites are an attempt to “level the playing field.” Some of the more popular dating apps for those within the disabled community include: Dateability, Dating4Disabled, Disabled Passions, and SpecialMatch. Disability-specific sites can provide the comfort of normalized understanding of disability and sexuality in this population. Some prefer these like-minded communities that understand their specific challenges and prejudice. Additionally, apps may facilitate communication in different ways with simple language and user friendly, as some are able to connect largely nonverbally and through actions/emojis/texting. Online dating may provide a wider network of potential partners who may otherwise be inaccessible to those with disabilities, especially for those who live in more rural areas and online dating may be only way to find others with similar or any physical disabilities. Moreover, many felt more comfortable disclosing on a disability-specific app, as 41% on regular apps and 90% on niche apps revealed their disability. Those who are more sensitive to rejection may feel more safe about online dating vs in person to start, as they can have a better understanding if they are rejected of why or not related to disability. Many expressed joy in having the options of a disability-specific dating platform because there is no burden of the “big reveal.” However, even within the disability community there have been some conflicting opinions regarding how dating apps are presented or promoted. Many sites used traditional symbols and depictions of disability, which some feel can be limiting, while others feel it is empowering.

So, if you are a young adult with a disability or are raising a disabled child, here are some potential tips for those considering the online dating world. It is often helpful to offer advice in terms of creating a profile and seeking/talking to matches if your child/peer is open to second opinions on those they are talking to/how to proceed, as it can be difficult to know how quickly to respond, whether the person is flirting back or just being kind/friendly, how much of their lives and personal information to share, and when to give into anxiety. For those with physical and/or neurodevelopment disabilities it is a good idea to meet in a public place, preferably in the daytime, and text and/or share location with a trusted person(s). It is very important for vulnerable individuals to trust any red flags relating to potential ulterior motives, abuse, lack of consent, and emotional safety. Also it is typically a good idea to be wary of “devotees”, who often have a sexual fetish associated with disabled partners, though some reportedly appreciate a devotee. Because of this, while some neurodivergent people prefer meeting others within social support groups or meet-up groups. It is also helpful to be up front about what type of relationship/level of intimacy you desire. Important to allow yourself to be honest about you needs and feelings while on a date and do not to let anyone pressure you into any form of intimacy you are not ready for, as some prefer romance without sex, while others prefer sex with minimal romance. It is important to understand the values of others and how they perceive beauty and attraction. All in all, increased confidence and appropriate risk-taking appeared to bode well for relationship outcomes, especially for those willing to disclose their disability from the get-go, but you (or your child) need to feel safe, comfortable, and respected along the way.