What Are Some Common Experiences Of Children Who Are Adopted?
How Can I Best Support My Child?
Not surprisingly, adoption comes in many forms, some are kinship, some foster, some international and some domestic. Sometimes the adoption was the choice of the biological mother, sometimes against her will as a result of sex trafficking, rape, a secret affair, poverty, abuse etc. As such, the child may have history of abuse, neglect, growth delays, born substance addicted, malnourishment, learning differences, and pre or post natal complications, as well as history of placement in foster care, orphanage, homelessness etc.
Of note, research has demonstrated that children placed before 15 months generally had the best developmental, emotional, and academic outcomes. In the past adopted children were generally under 6, now many more older children are being adopted and tend to have a history of displacement and contact/relationship with birth family, and more open-adoptions (better for child but hard to keep healthy boundaries).There has also been significant lack of pre- and post-adoption support historically, especially for mental health services for children and parents, and children often do not have any formal assessments prior to adoptions, which can lead to lack of services or disappointment for adoptive parents.
Neurobiologically, research has shown that children who experience early trauma or stress, including adoption, experience increased overarousal and hypervigilance, insomnia, physiological anxiety, sensation-seeking, and reduced ability to self-soothe. Additionally, in terms of brain development, there has been evidence of reduced brain size, abnormal organization of brain structures, and smaller underlying structures including corpus callosum, prefrontal cortex, amygdala and hippocampus (associated with anxiety, memory formation, and behavioral regulation, and decision-making); however, if removed early enough and provided with adequate care, some of the brain can regrow to normal size. Per the research, babies can experience changes prenatally (increased cortisol levels in amniotic fluid) if lack of emotional connection or stress from mother in womb and the mothers scent and breast milk has been shown to cause calm and reduce pain. Emotionally, common feelings adoptees have reported include: unloved, unprotected, unsupported, longing, fear, distrust, self-doubt, guilt, anger, broken, isolation, despair, worthless, resentful, jealous, rejected, confused, embarrassed. Adoptees have higher rates of PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, DMDD, RAD, DSED, gender dysphoria, substance abuse, and personality disorders. It’s important to note as well that emotional trauma isn’t linear, concrete, or predictable. There are many protective factors and many adopted children are very well adjusted and happy as part of their adoptive families.
As you might imagine, the potential effects of adoption over time are endless, but let’s discuss a few. Telling a child they are adopted is almost always a traumatic experience. The older they are, the more traumatic to find out you’re adopted. Many adoptees are “co-dependent” out of survival, seek comfort, control, and stability, need co-regulation as infants/young children. Children feel they also need to be good or they will be abandoned again, can mask true self, become over-compliant, perfectionistic, promiscuous, poor boundaries, require a lot of praise/affection, adopted children are more sensitive to discipline and internalize it more. When young children are placed they often revert to behavioral patterns of prior family. Some adoptees feel they cannot show any sadness because it would be disrespectful or hurtful to their adoptive parents. Being told you are “lucky” to have been adopted can be very invalidating in addition to parents or others telling the child’s adoption story for them, being adopted child is a “gift”, you are another child’s “replacement”, it is “god’s will”, or this was our “last resort”. Children often react emotionally/become dysregulated after visits with biological families. Children may be dealing with being biologically connected to parents who did awful things. Children may have very different relationship with each of their adopted parents (e.g., attach much more so to adoptive father than adoptive mother). Children can have difficulty understanding legality/permanence of adoption, especially if prior placements. Some children have fantasies about bio family and reunification. Not all children/adults desire reunification with bio family. Every time a child is placed in a new home (foster or otherwise) they are re-traumatized. Adoptive parents may feel rejected because of the child’s difficulty attaching, can then affect bond and parenting, children may “test” people to see if they will leave or not. Parents often misunderstand intent behind child’s behavior and expect them to be “tough” or “resilient”. It is often assumed that their bio family “has issues” or is a “sad story”. In future relationships adoptees may: not expect their needs to be met, feel misunderstood, either dependence OR over dependence, indifference, aggression, anxiety, insecurity. Unknown genetics can lead to unknown needs and treatment/support. Some adoptees are re-triggered when they have their own children and some feel healing. But children are resilient and loving by nature. You often get what you give and healing can be a magical experience.
It is important to note that there can be significant effects for other siblings within the home (both biological and adopted), as sometimes more attention in placed on the adopted child, and sometimes more on biological child, significantly increased sibling rivalry (often comparing themselves physically and academically) or parentification of older biological/adopted child. Siblings of adopted children feel compelled to parent, protect, fix, and favor them sometimes. It can also be painful for the child if other adopted or biological siblings have reunification with their biological families and they don’t.
There are some special issues to consider when a child is adopted into a family of a different race/ethnicity and/or culture. There are sometimes unethical business aspects of adoption, children for “sale” as “discounted” rates when they have special needs and/or are a child of color (reduced perceived value). These adoptions may reinforce the “white savior” complex for BIPOC adoptions, can “whitewash” immigrants/natives of color and those from low SES backgrounds (haves and have nots). It can endorse inaccurate stereotypes of the child’s race/culture as well as religion of origin, and they may have different experiences and privileges from adoptive family because of their race/ethnicity. There may be an inability to communicate with members of bio family because the child was never taught their native language. Increased isolation is raised in a new town or country from what they know or fit into culturally. contract etc., Downplaying race/ethnicity or being ”color blind” can lead to increase psychopathology, identity crisis, reduced self-esteem and discrimination. They may also experience something termed “identity dysmorphia”- avoiding and repressing your identity and wanting/trying to look like adoptive family/culture, trying to fit in and look the “right” way, whitewashing skin, taping eyes, straightening hair etc.
Both adoptees and their adoptive parents are more likely to seek mental health services and experience increased inpatient hospitalization. 65%of graduate and 86% of undergraduate clinical psychologists do not recall adoption specific training. Some therapists who are not properly trained may unintentionally fail to help or invalidate if discount relevance of adoption experience, need to make sure attachment focuses on parents and not therapist. Therapy can feel shameful or like punishment because they were “broken”, and when stressed or triggered they may revert back to age at abandonment. In one study, when interviewed, parents felt they had trouble both receiving and giving education about adopted child’s attachment struggles/diagnoses, feel stressed and isolated. Assessments at a single point in time can be insufficient for children who are adopted and can lead to misdiagnosis, need multiple visits and significant collateral information.
These statistics are not meant to persuade anyone away from adoption, but rather to inform them of the specific barriers and challenges that may be present, so they can be best prepared and proactive. So here’s what we need to at least move things in the right direction: ongoing training, support groups, psychoeducation from experts, psychiatric care that is affordable and accessible, mediation services, important to acknowledge racial and physical differences, support and immersion in the child’s community and culture of origin, affordable legal representation for birth parents, cross-cultural education, and open record policies. For parents: never pit biological and adoptive families against each other, have open communication about adoption history and origin story, let child find their own identity, show curiosity, compassion, openness, understanding, and self-reflection, understand your own privilege as adoptive parents, never force children to call adoptive parents mom or dad, do not adopt out of birth order, parents to “switch out” and take breaks from parenting, try to give equal attention and care to all children in the family, try to maintain united front (keep in mind that divorce can create retraumatization, though sometimes it is necessary for the child’s well-being), and allow children feel grief/anger/sadness etc. Sometimes can be important for school staff to know child is adopted to best support their needs. It is essential that the child’s therapist be competent with adoption therapy, animal-based therapy (unconditional love and easier to bond), family systems, trauma therapy, EMDR, trust-based relational intervention, dyadic developmental psychotherapy, and sensorimotor psychotherapy have all be shown to be effective in the research. Adopting a child requires an incredible heart, time, energy, and financial stability as well as education on the part of the adoptive parents, but love, respect, and care are most important for adopted children. Adopted children should never feel silenced or ashamed, but loved and nurtured.