My Adolescent Child Watches Porn Frequently. Is This A Problem?

Is this normal? Should I be worried?

Alright so let’s so start right off the bat with some potentially shocking and concerning statistics. Children as young as 8 (mostly male, but some female) are exposed to and/ watching porn, 19% of 10-12 year olds in US are “unintentionally” exposed to porn, the average age for intentional viewing is 13 AND The earlier they are exposed, the more normalized it is. 93% of young people thought it was normal for boys and 50% thought it was normal for girls to view porn. Moreover, current porn portrays more intense, explicit, and extreme sexual acts as compared to previous forms of available pornography. As a result, watching porn used to be more shameful, but now it is more socially accepted. It may be normal for some but not always healthy or beneficial.

Some say porn can lead to violence and additional addictions, while others say its alarmist and led by the media, as it is argued that porn in moderation is a normal activity for young people. Of note, hypersexuality (need a significant amount of sexual experiences and obsessive thinking about sex) is different from high sex drive (having a high libido, desiring sex often). There is increased disinformation about the safety and intent of porn and the attempts to limit and regulate porn consumption in teens have largely been ineffective. Surprisingly, porn addiction is not currently in the DSM-5, despite the fact that it has significant medical and legal implications, though “Porn addition” and “sex addiction” are often used in the media and in other forms of pop culture and it is considered a “public health crisis” in the USA.

Now let’s talk about why and how porn overuse or addiction occurs and is maintained. There are three main overarching themes that can drive porn addiction: biological, social-emotional, and technology. Porn consumption is directly related to how people experience pleasure,  and so people with porn addictions often need more to satisfy the same need and it gets harder to maintain same “excitement level”. Addiction is the dependence and inability to stop despite desire and when there is increased tolerance, there is increased need to regulate mood and satisfaction which leads to risky porn-related/sexual/masturbating behaviors. Porn can be a form of self-medicating and feeds an innate need physically. Porn can replace the satisfaction in the part of the brain normally rewarded by social ties. There is strong neurological evidence that porn can develop into a true addiction. We know that there are different reactions in the areas of the brain associated with pleasure and emotion in men vs. women when watching porn and when dopamine, the neurotransmitter most associated with pleasure and reward is low, people experience reduced arousal, mood, social desire, and increased irritability and anxiety (resulting in a lack of homeostasis or balance ). And then at some point it becomes a person seeking dopamine/serotonin/oxytocin, chemicals that provide pleasure, joy, and social satisfaction, not actually desiring sex or connection.

So from a social-emotional perspective, what is driving people to porn? Per the research, viewers want to feel young, sexy, and wanted, as watching porn can provide feelings of power, achievement, and stimulation/excitement. Generally the individual struggles with self-control and dissatisfaction with life as well as depression and isolation in addition to lower interpersonal satisfaction. Those addiction to porn tend to be sensation seekers, feel helpless, poor academic performance, have poor family attachment, more liberated attitudes toward sex, delinquent behavior, and may have suffered emotional/physical neglect, trauma, abuse. There is also a correlation between those who experience earlier use of drugs or alcohol and those who post naked pictures of themselves online. Not surprisingly, there is also a strong overlap between porn, drug addictions, and screen addictions. This is further reinforced by the fact that today young men are much more comfortable talking about porn with peers, and many enjoy the peer bonding. Additionally, men have expressed that there are some things they enjoy that they would not feel comfortable asking their partner to do. Some also turn to porn for information, especially within LGBTQIA+ community. Some seek fetish/kink material and information about how to perform certain sexual acts. And for young people specifically, the research has shown that some big motivators are curiosity, education, boredom, pleasure and masturbation. Behaviorally, some will continue porn-seeking behaviors despite negative consequences and increased distress, and have increased instances of rationalization/justification for “needing porn”, as it is difficult to stop without compelling reward. Others, despite wanting to break the addiction, fall victim to the “Nocebo effect”. In the same way a treatment can work because you want it to or believe it will (this would be a placebo effect), it can also fail because of faithlessness and pessimism that affect follow-through and outcome (because of self-fulfilling prophecy essentially).

Now, how does technology play in all this? Well, in present times, the way of the current internet promotes compulsive overconsumption and social contagion within the porn community, as porn is cheaper, more easily accessible, and available to be consumed on any device in any setting and increased anonymity. The algorithms and search history take away choice and entice people, making it much harder to resist or ignore. Porn addiction is also further exacerbated by AI-generated porn.

Okay, now parents, I need you to take this part in because this is critical to know and understand to protect your children as both potential victims or unintentional perpetrators. It is also very easy to circulate sexual and violent videos involving children, as there are increased photos online of children performing sex acts or inappropriate photos of children. In fact, per the research, there averages 45 million illegal sexual images per year. Moreover, Instagram connects pedophiles to “content sellers” via algorithms and other recommendation systems. Most social media apps only require you to be “13 or older” and most porn sites just require you to click to “say you are 18”. Video games with internet connection can also be a gateway to porn sites and the porn community. Children often have too much autonomy, privacy and personal responsibility when they have access to the internet when given devices at a young age. As Jonathan Haidt puts it in his book, The Anxious Generation, “We are overprotecting our children in the real world, while under protecting them online.”

So why should we be so concerned about porn and potential porn addiction? There are several emotional and behavioral effects of porn addiction, some that can be quite concerning. Many have repeated feeling increased shame and guilt, lack of intimacy with others, increased false sense of power/control, dissociation, and feelings of helplessness. And more concerning, some people who are addicted to porn may end up exhibiting sexual aggression and/or sexual dysfunction (e.g., erectile dysfunction) in addition to unwanted sexual solicitation, as porn can be used for grooming. Teens who view porn reportedly have increased risky sexual behaviors, unprotected sex, many sexual partners, and sexual aggression/perpetration (online grooming or inappropriate/unwanted sexting). Per one study, porn can make sexting feel normal and acceptable for teens and they tend to blame the victim if their image is circulated.

Relationship-wise, porn can cause a disconnection between sexual pleasure and interpersonal relationships. Porn is correlated with low-quality relationships, increased rates of cheating, and being less likely too marry (largely secondary to reduced desire to marry), as porn affect sexual and relationship norms and expectations from their partners. Some men concerned they will not being to find a “real-life” partner because of their porn addiction, thus perpetuating their loneliness. Most young males labeled it as “not real” or “fantasy” and less necessary when they were in a happy relationship; however, young girls reported fearing it will remove emotional aspects of relationships. Young people might feel pressured to imitate porn in real relationships. It also poses risk of being a victim of non-consensual dissemination of their material (both male and female). Additionally, it had been found that after watching significant amounts of porn, users tend to find real women less attractive. Additionally, porn has been found to affect the perceived body ideals of both men and women.

What can we do about this? Who do we turn to? Well, from a therapy/treatment perspective, Psychoeducation by therapists to parents, teens has shown to be effective. Additionally, in some cases neurofeedback and/or meditation may be helpful, especially if there is comorbid anxiety and/or ADHD, as neurofeedback can help the individual to regulate emotionally and neurobiologically through dopamine reward pathways. Monitoring your behaviors, talking to someone, and having others help hold you accountable were all helpful for addiction. In fact, telling others about your addiction significantly increase likelihood of recovery. It is helpful to admit difficulties, resulting negative consequences, and take appropriate accountability. Spirituality/community support groups can help as well. Most prefer an abstinence approach if trying to stop their addiction, though many attempts to go “cold turkey: are futile. Some may require full break from devices and social media as well as masturbation. It is helpful to fill urges with other healthier habits and purpose. Through therapy or otherwise, many need to soothe inner child, and build honesty, acceptance, empathy along with true intimacy and trust. It is also important to regulate mood and physical being on your own in terms of exercise, nutrition, and sleep. Other helpful tools are: stress awareness, setting intrinsic goals, creativity/motivation, authentic relationships, and vulnerability. And finally, but importantly, expect withdrawal effects and potential relapse but learn from it and be aware of potential triggers emotionally, interpersonally, and situationally.

From a societal standpoint, it has been proposed that the age of “internet adulthood” be raised from 13 to 16, although this will still be very challenging to regulate. Parental controls/content filters and protective technological tools/firewalls may be helpful to reduce or delay autonomy. There are also some self-help websites including: Your Brain on Porn, Fight the Drug, NoFap, “NoFap” challenges where men are required to refrain from both porn and masturbation for a period of time. Now most importantly, for parents the first thing you want to be aware of is potential signs of porn addiction, which are: signs of withdrawal from social activities, lack of sleep, reduced academic performance, deception/lying, wanting to stop but unable. Parental monitoring and open familial communication most effective but can be challenging to execute. Have a discussion with your child and try not to paint all porn and sexual information on the internet as “bad” or “dangerous” as it porn be helpful in terms of answering questions they may have and it may allow a release for some. It is important that children learn sexually-based information with context through parents or formal health/sex education teachers as opposed to being introduced via peers, social media, or porn sites.