Dear Families,

Adoption is one of the most emotionally complex, beautiful, terrifying, overwhelming, and life-altering experiences for a family. There has also been significant lack of pre- and post-adoption support historically, especially for mental health services for children and parents, and children often do not have any formal assessments prior to adoptions, which can lead to lack of services or disappointment for adoptive parents.

The circumstances surrounding any one child’s adoption story varies so much, but ultimately adoption surrounds some form of temporary or permanent disconnection from the child’s biological family and culture. So many dedicated parents seek information in terms of how to best support, validate, and nourish (emotionally) their adopted children. Adoptive parents possess a special kind of love in electing to embrace the whole history and future of where their child came from, how they form their identity, and who they intend to be. I have been doing my best as a clinician to educate myself and take in the lived experiences of adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents in order to try to be support these families.

Thankfully, there are so many people who are willing to speak about their experiences and connect with other adoptees/adoptive parents so they do not feel alone. I hope this newsletter can provide some information, understanding, optimism, and guidance. As usual, you got this, but don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Warmly,
Rebecca A. Fontanetta, PsyD, ABPdN
Board-Certified Pediatric Neuropsychologist
Founder, The Neuropsychlopedia

What Should I Keep in Mind As An Adoptive Parent?

Unfortunately, telling a child they are adopted is almost always a traumatic experience. The older they are, the more traumatic to find out you’re adopted.

Many adoptees are “co-dependent” out of survival, seek comfort, control, and stability, and need co-regulation as infants/young children. Children feel they also need to be good or they will be abandoned again, may mask their true selves, become over-compliant, perfectionistic, promiscuous, poor boundaries, and require a lot of praise/affection, as adopted children are more sensitive to discipline and internalize it more. Some adoptees feel they cannot show any sadness because it would be disrespectful or hurtful to their adoptive parents. Being told you are “lucky” to have been adopted can be very invalidating in addition to parents or others telling the child’s adoption story for them, being adopted child is a “gift”, you are another child’s “replacement”, it is “god’s will”, or this was our “last resort”.

Moreover, children may have very different relationship with each of their adopted parents (e.g., attach much more so to adoptive father than adoptive mother). Children can have difficulty understanding legality/permanence of adoption, especially if prior placements. Some children have fantasies about bio family and reunification, while others do not desire reunification with bio family. Adoptive parents may feel rejected because of the child’s difficulty attaching, which can then affect bonding and parenting, as children may “test” people to see if they will leave or not. Parents may misunderstand the intent behind their child’s behavior and expect them to be “tough” or “resilient.”

How Can I Support My Child (and myself)?

Some tips for parents: never pit biological and adoptive families against each other, have open communication about adoption history and origin story, let your child find their own identity. Show curiosity, compassion, openness, understanding, and self-reflection. Understand your own privilege as adoptive parents, and never force children to call adoptive parents mom or dad before they are ready. It is often helpful for parents to “switch out” and take breaks from parenting and to try to give equal attention and care to all children in the family. Also, try to maintain united front (keep in mind that divorce can create retraumatization, though sometimes it is necessary for the child’s well-being), and allow children feel grief/anger/sadness etc.

Sometimes can be important for school staff to know child is adopted to best support their needs. It is essential that the child’s therapist be competent with adoption therapy. Additionally, animal-based therapy (unconditional love and easier to bond), family systems therapy, trauma therapy, EMDR, trust-based relational intervention, dyadic developmental psychotherapy, and sensorimotor psychotherapy have all be shown to be effective in the research. Adopting a child requires an incredible heart, time, energy, and financial stability as well as education on the part of the adoptive parents, but love, respect, and care are most important for adopted children. Adopted children should never feel silenced or ashamed, but loved and nurtured.

Hope and Support